I've been quiet for a few days, because I managed to get depressed by the ending of Life On Mars. In it, Sam Tyler realised that he felt more alive when he was in the coma in 1973 with Gene Hunt, so he threw himself off a roof to get back there. The thing that disturbed me was that I was rooting for him to go back into that world. It freaked me out a bit afterwards, as I realised that I was actually supporting his decision to kill himself. I know it's not real, but it's had a huge impact on me. First was guilt; how can I be happy that Sam threw himself off the roof but still feel angry with my mom for killing herself? Second was a biggy; is my mom out there, somewhere, still? Is there life after death? I managed to give myself a panic attack at the thought that this life, now, may be all there is. I don't want to die and be nothing, otherwise what's the point? On the other hand, what if there is an afterlife, but it's worse? Everything got very confused in my head for a while, and I needed time to straighten myself out a bit.
I've come to no conclusions, unfortunately. No blinding flash of light accompanied by a realisation that death is not the end. I desperately want to believe in an afterlife, and I hope that, when the time comes, that is good enough for whoever or whatever is out there, and that my doubts are forgiven. Of course, if there's nothing, then there's no point worrying, but I can't help it. The thought of death makes me dizzy.
Anyway, I'm off on a much-needed holiday tomorrow. It's a bit of a busman's holiday for me, as I've got writing to do, but a change of scenery will probably do me good.
TTFN,
Clare xxx
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2 comments:
These big questions really get me going too Clare. The conclusions that I've come to (at the moment at least) is to make the best/most of now. I sort of think that our legacy is in how we are remembered. For me that means different things at different times, playing well at a gig (I play in a couple of bands) is important, doing right by people, challenging myself ... I have to work hard at these and that sort of brings its own rewards too. Hope you have a good holiday (even if it's a busmans!) :-)
hya,
yea tis a bit of a biggy the whole what are we here for, is there life after death etc, well to be honest i try not to think about it too much, because it makes my head hurt!
i think the main thing is to live for the now because thats pretty much certainly happening! ;-) n if there is an afterlife well i'll think about that when i get to it.
p.s hope you enjoy your hol
purkul
x
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