Getting older

I am fed up of people rolling their eyes at me about my age. I'm 29 tomorrow - nearly 30. Because my blokes are both 15 years older than me, they look upon 29 with affection and nostalgia. I could never imagine being this old, and it's freaking me out. I get weird around my birthday anyway, because when I was little I used to spend the day on tenterhooks, waiting to see if my Mom would come, or call, or send a card. Most of the time I went to bed in tears, because she hadn't bothered. Now she's dead, I feel like I should be able to celebrate my birthday, but now all I think of is how I'll never get to see her on my birthday ever again, because she killed herself. I'm angry, and I feel guilty for being angry with her. I had my mirror fixed onto the wall the other day, and I looked in it and happened to glance at the old photo of me and my mom which is on top of the TV unit - the only picture I have of her - and it shocked me how much I look like her. People have commented on it before, but I've never seen it. I guess I'm about the same age now as she was in the picture, so perhaps that's why I can see the similarity now but I couldn't before.
I'm going shopping tomorrow for my presents, which is the best thing to do on a birthday. I'm frightened I'm gonig to wake up in the morning and find I'm suddenly gripped by an urge to wear sensible grown-up clothes instead of tutus and pink Dr Martens, and I won't be me any more. Weird, huh?
Clare xxx